In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
This January has 47 Mondays
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.