@DaddyJew: Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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@jennyandteets: Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.
@NYC_Blonde: I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
@SteveKoehler22: Why do they say "break a leg !" to actors ? If you said "tear an ACL !" to a star athlete, you'd be shot on the spot.
@MamaHuntsBest: IDGAF if you're black, white, yellow, brown or blue. Well, I do if you're blue, I'll stop and give you CPR if you're blue.