Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
i can’t wait that long
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.