@DaddyJew: Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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@Merman_Melville: Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop" Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-" Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
@notalogin: Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
@dreadnaught69: People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop