Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people