Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.