@snatch_stache: Drugs don't ruin people's lives, drug tests do.
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@tastefactory: I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
@Cheeseboy22: We can't afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we're going to take them to an IKEA instead.
@Getnosexual: My parenting life wavers between "Be original and true to yourself" and "Please don't make the school psychologist call me again this week".