@snatch_stache: Drugs don't ruin people's lives, drug tests do.
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@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
@stephenjmolloy: Job interviewer: What are your strengths? Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses? JI: Yes. Me: I'm very perceptive.
@daemonic3: Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
@HomeProbably: I was asked to babysit once but it didn't go very well. You're not meant to sit on them.