Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
The pen is writier than the sword.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
#have a #great #PancakeDay
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.