Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
You Might Also Like
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Employees must applaud the planets.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.