“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I hope it’s French Onion!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf