Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee