Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.