my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Growing up was a huge mistake
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.