@ImaFlyontheWall: Drunk me used to set a "Mystery Alarm" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
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@PoonWhisperer1: This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
@rockymomax: [x-ray] DOCTOR: wow ME: what DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of- ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
@JB4Realz: [PHONE] "TSA, How can I help you?" Me: "Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!" Agent: "Umm..." Me: "DAMMIT, HE'S STARVING!"