[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time