@JessiCanadian: Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
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@juliussharpe: My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
@Playing_Dad: Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl? Government: Sorry, no Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets? G: Lol, of course
@marcia_bee: Imagine me in bed. Wrong. Wetter. Wrong again. Wetter. Wrong AGAIN! Soaking wet. This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
@hippieswordfish: wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600