HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.