@JessiCanadian: Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
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@kelkulus: If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless." #SOTU
@funflaps: [portrait studio] ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw ME: How much to draw me from the side? ARTIST: That'll cost you an arm and a leg
@juliussharpe: I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I'm with a screaming two year old wondering, "Who is that solo genius?"