Got him!
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
can you read it!!??
maan!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!