[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Perfection.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa