If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
welp
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.