*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You Might Also Like
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.