*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You Might Also Like
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.