[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.