DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand