DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.