“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
This a good idea
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.