Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
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Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.