Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
You Might Also Like
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it