[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My work here is don’t.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice