[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Phones down.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.