*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real