*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”