@JasonLight73: Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I'm way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!
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@bromanconsul: LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
@ItsAndyRyan: "Is this InkJet any good?" "Sure – we've sold it to royalty" "Princesses?" "Mate, it prints ALL the letters"
@yogaknifefight: Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.