[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses