Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him