*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself