“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
You Might Also Like
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’m giving up for Lent.