“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.