My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It鈥檚 late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He鈥檚 a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I鈥檓 forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I鈥檝e decided today I鈥檓 following the lead of my 2 yr old and I鈥檓 just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can鈥檛 wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don鈥檛 call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don鈥檛 call me Shirley
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 馃憥.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Pro tip: don鈥檛 bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent鈥檚 house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I鈥檓 not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That鈥檚 silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Accountant: So you didn鈥檛 have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You鈥檒l owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”