Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
LOL!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.