Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Oops
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If a snake ate a cake
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
girls literally only want one thing..
Okay, I’m still confused…
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”