“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Cucumbers Anonymous
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
saving face 👀
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.