@NervousJr: Dude, I can't tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I'm pretty, not magical.
@killazilla: HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
Me- a house landed on your sister
@Crunk_Jews: [first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
"And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really old shit."
@melibuff: Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently 'hard' 'classic' and 'punk' AREN'T the 3 different types of rock.
@lizetagge: Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store...
@HeyJennyLeone: Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.