@NervousJr: Dude, I can't tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I'm pretty, not magical.
@urfavoritejoel: Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
@pissrifle: good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones
@david8hughes: [meeting at round table]
"King Arthur, if I may?"
"Castles but bouncier."
"But you gotta take your shoes off."
@justabloodygame: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
@HRTSMRT: I'd say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.