Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog