dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When the stylist spins you back around
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.