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@lcspt: Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
@mactx85: Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it's your choice.
@cpabry: Pal - "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?"
Me - "I'll need a screwdriver."
Pal - "Sure what type?"
Me - "Greygoose or Kettle One."
@iVanillaGorilla: You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
@topaz_kell: Overactive Bladder Hotline.
Can you hold please?
@EndhooS: Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A's…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff