nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold