@Mike_Vanatta: My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, "Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!"

@djdarrellripley: Waitress: Would you like an omelet? Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs...

@SuperApple80: The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.

@jaggings: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you're asleep

@DaddyJew: Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention