In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
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The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.