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Flowers bee like
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”