@relatabledad: dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i'm not a virgin... i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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@TheCiscoKidder: You know you spend too much time with your kids when there's Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
@Pro_Jones_: Friend: You're going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay? Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies