dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.