Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.