@noimnotjewish: Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that "It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay?
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@FilthyRichmond: I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
@TweetsByTheTony: [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E
@VaguelyFunnyDan: OMG guys just watched the news and those "COEXIST" bumper stickers totally aren't working :/