Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you鈥檇 rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I鈥檓 glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn鈥檛 want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I鈥檝e specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don鈥檛 have those in Narnia.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Succinctly put.
Best mom ever 馃槀
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who鈥檚 been asked what鈥檚 in their mouth.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before