11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.